Today was a rough day. Woke up to J having gotten sick sometime in the night (don't know when cuz I didn't hear anything), then falling back to sleep in her own vomit. Not the way I would normally like to start the day, but whatever. So needless to say, she got to take a bubble bath bright and early, much to her delight. I called her grandmother on her father's side (which is where she was part of yesterday) to see if anyone over in that direction had been sick lately, and she suggested that she may have caught something from one of her older sisters. Duh, now I would know if K or K were sick lately, and if I thought that it may have come from one of them, I would not have called her. I tell ya, some people....but let's not get into that...
Anyways, after her nice bubble bath, she got the diarrhea. Poor thing...but I have to say, she doesn't let anything get her down. I wish I could have that kind of energy and spunk when I don't feel well. On a good note, though, she didn't get sick all day, and the diarrhea went away as well. Maybe it was just something that she ate.
Had a headache earlier tonight. What a night for my dad to stand me up. He usually comes over after he gets off of work and has supper. It gives me a chance to go workout and blow off some steam. Have you ever had one of those nights when you know that you just need a break? That you need to get away, even if it's only for a few minutes? That was my night. I don't know what happened. I just started to feel so overwhelmed all of a sudden, like I was suffocating (not literally, figuratively). J wouldn't stay in her crib, K and K were jibber-jabbering instead of sleeping, and A was fussing in his crib. I haven't ever gotten to the point where I have lost all patience before, but tonight I got pretty close. And the worst part about it is that I could see myself getting closer and closer to that point, and I didn't know what to do to stop it. That's scary...I know that I'm not a perfect parent, nor will I ever be, but I take my role as a mother very seriously. God has trusted me with these children, and I don't want to let Him down. There are times when I feel that I am failing, and tonight is one of those times...breaks my heart...what's done is done though, tomorrow is another day. God's mercies are new every day.
Don't get me wrong, I love being a mother, and compared to what my life was like before, I wouldn't trade where I am now to have what I had back then (which wasn't much, believe me). But there are times when I wish I could have a break. Not a workout break, but a mental break. Where I didn't have to think about what bills I have to pay, when I will have to buy more diapers, or worry about, well everything. There are times when reality hits and I realize that I am both a mother and father, a protector, a psychologist, a doctor, a taxi service, a teacher, a disciplinarian, a cook, a maid, and many other things. And I begin to feel very overwhelmed. And I know that if I didn't have Jesus to lean on, I would crumble under the pressure. I am not a strong person. I dislike confrontation and avoid it at all costs. My feelings get hurt very easily, and I spend the better part of my day terrified of what may (but most likely won't) happen. I cry myself to sleep more nights than not.
I almost laugh when people say that they think that I am a strong person. What they see is not me, but God working through me. I have heard many times that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. I don't know if I really believe that. My pastor says it differently. God ALWAYS gives you more than you can handle, so you lean on Him for strength. It keeps us humble. I pray that He keeps me humble, that I never think that I can do any of this on my own, without Him. Struggles will either solidify your faith, or make you lose it. Although I don't think that it is so much a matter of losing faith, but of not having it in the first place, or having it in the wrong thing.
Well, I am getting tired, so I am going to sign off for the evening. Talk at you all later! Have a good one, and God bless!
A
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